We’re getting to the stage where things outside of our little family unit will influence Riley.  One day soon she’ll stop doing something that she loves because of a gender stereotype.  I don’t want her to stop wanting the rocket socks because they’re for boys or to start fishing for compliments on her appearance because that is all she is hearing (rather than praise for her courage, problem solving abilities etc) and so associates appearance with self worth.  There are no girl or boy colors or activities – there are just kids!

I need to take action!

Who’s with me?

And what can we do?

I want to start local but think the big chain stores ain’t a great place to start.  So how do I bring up with my local kids clothing store and op shops about sorting clothes by size and color versus gender? The new configuration won’t stop you from buying pink or blue, and you might even buy something you may not have seen within the default sorting.  Its not the boys collection or the girls spring/summer release – its just clothes!!  How do I strike up that conversation and not look like a crazed hippy mom?  Hit me up with all the suggestions!!  How do we make this a movement, inspire and educate?  How do we get an avalanche of support so there is pressure to change?  I want the coles plastic bag backflip scale!!  And what’s a good hashtag?

This will be a good primer activity before tackling school uniforms in a couple of years…

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but I’m not photogenic…

Photogenic: A subject (generally a person) is photogenic if appearing aesthetically or physically attractive or appealing in photographs. 

“But I’m not photogenic” you declare.

I call bulls**t!

This translates to ‘I’m not comfortable in my skin’ (and why are you judging your self worth on your appearance anyways?!?)

Not liking how you look in photos is very common.  I guess I’m just over people labeling themselves ‘unphotogenic’ rather than owning their feelings about their appearance.  There is obviously a big difference between a candid snap wearing pj’s on your phone in twilight versus a glamorous makeover with studio lighting and shape-wear for days, but the glow of self confidence that shines from within doesn’t dull.  Who defines this aesthetically appealing criteria anyways? Even an unflattering shot is a shot of you.  And you’re going to want to remember you doing the ordinary stuff not just looking perfectly un-posed, whilst posing insta-glamorous…

So exist in photos whether they be selfies or you get a professional to help minimise your photogenic angst…

Own you. Love you. Cos only you can do you.

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Why do you want to lose weight? If its to look better cos society says I should and that’s the only way I have worth, we need to change that perspective.  If its to look better which makes me feel better then that’s an improvement.  How about wanting to be healthier? How about wanting your body to be able to do a heap of amazing stuff (and amazing as defined by you – from climbing a flight of stairs without dying to keeping up with the kids through to tackling a half marathon – your body, your yardstick!)?  How about having more energy, sleeping better, maybe making new friends, better mental health and being proud of your body and just living more?

https://www.instagram.com/p/BcoyXRCDOv3/?taken-by=mirandaskatemayle

^^my kind of active

A couple of things I’ve learnt:

–> toned body looks better than jiggly body, and that’s irrespective of my weight.  Muscle does way more than fat, so I may weigh more but I look leaner. My still large thighs look heaps better full of muscle than cellulite – truth!

–> muscle weighs more than fat.  I have pictures of me at the same weight at different times in my life.. kinda pre-derby and post-derby and although that mass measurement at both times might be identical, how I looked and how I felt were not!!  If you do have to measure anything – use the tape measure on your waist, hips and thighs – as these numbers drastically differed unlike the number on the scales.  If my goal when joining derby was to lose weight I would’ve failed even though I was healthier, stronger, fitter, leaner, looking and feeling better etc.

–> the number on the scales doesn’t actually define anything important. It doesn’t tell me how many laps I can skate in 5 minutes or how many kilometers I can outdoor skate with a 15kg baby strapped to my back.  It doesn’t tell my how many times I can throw said baby in the air til my arms give out or how many jams I can get back out on the track in a row and be effective.  It doesn’t determine my will power when it comes to walking past the ice cream truck after a long outdoor skate or derby bout.  It doesn’t define my intelligence, nor dictate if I’m a good friend, wife and mother, nor determine my earning potential.  It can’t even accurately predict what size clothing I wear.  All it does is gives me another way to beat myself up that is so freaking arbitrary to meaningful outcomes in my life.

I implore you – ditch the weight loss resolution and retire your scales.  Getting out and getting active is going to do amazing things for more than just your body with a highly probable side effect of losing weight.  Throw out the need to continuously define your self worth based on the number in pounds or kilograms and rephrase that resolution into something more meaningful to you.

[dropcap type=”square”]M [/dropcap]iranda (who no longer weighs herself and is much happier because of it)

This Girl Can VIC‘s new year resolution is pretty ambitious: They aim to get 180,000 people more physically active playing sport and walking by 2019 (with a focus on women and girls).  Share your story about getting active in 2018 to support, encourage and inspire others via This Girl Can Victoria community:

• This Girl Can website: www.thisgirlcan.com.au
• Facebook: www.facebook.com/ThisGirlCanVIC
• Instagram: www.instagram.com/ThisGirlCanVIC
• Twitter: https://twitter.com/ThisGirlCanVIC
• YouTube: www.youtube.com/user/VicHealthMedia
• Hashtag #ThisGirlCanVIC

This Girl Can by VicHealth encourages women to get active: “This Girl Can celebrates women who are all kinds of active. Women who are giving their all, or giving it a go, but not giving a damn!” I am a This Girl Can Victoria Ambassador. However, the views expressed here are my views only and not those of VicHealth.

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This last year I have worked on my self worth a lot.  My aim is to be content.  I’ve always had a project on the go, never ending to do lists and a drive to keep ticking things off so that things will then be perfect.  Its a flawed system.  Happiness is always unattainable as there is always something more to do to get me there.  I’m also good at not doing things in case I fail.  If you don’t put in 100% you can use that as an excuse for not being successful.  Also a flawed system.  I’ve done some great work with ‘More Confidence‘ (highly recommend) this year and am much better able to focus on the here and now and live in the moment.  I’ve gotten more selfish with both my actions and my time and there has really been a positive impact on my life and excitingly there has also been zero negative impact on those around me (contrary to my expectations).  The thing I still want to work on though is celebrating the successes – mine and especially the success of others.

I really did grow up a mean girl.  Not on the outside with flawless hair and teeth, gorgeous besties and rampant high school popularity.  But on the inside – hating anyone who achieved more or did better than I did.  Having to criticise and nit pick others to make myself feel good.  Why do we think a put down moves us up?  And in hindsight it damages me more than anyone else.  So this year I truly want to celebrate the success of others – I want it to inspire me, motivate me and to learn from it.  I want to help others achieve success – warm fuzzies for all involved.  And I want to aim for, accept and celebrate my success without guilt or apology.  Success without the but…

Wish me luck…

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So I challenge you to replace the words girl and boy in your vocabulary for a day with kid, or child or a gender neutral equivalent.  For extra bonus points, listen for it in others and either a) rephrase in your head or b) have a discussion on the impact it may have. (And why do labels matter?  A little info in this blog post)

Over my day, here are a few of the things I noticed:

I started with our usual routine which includes walking the dog walk.  Stopped at the traffic lights and said “We’ve got to wait for the man to turn green”.  Hmm.. why is a man telling us what to do?  No I don’t want the signal indicator changed to a person wearing a dress… As you may or may not have noticed, girls also wear pants.  So I can just change my terminology: “We’ve got to wait for the signal to turn green” or “We’ve got to wait for the green person to say its safe to cross the road”. Mischief managed!

I’m researching a busy board to build for my toddler.  The google search returns an image of a board decorated with hazzard tape and the slogan “CAUTION: BOY AT PLAY”.  They’ve obviously never seen my house after tiny tornado Riley hits… *rolls eyes*

The baby owns a mix of clothes – all colors and styles.  More often than not its blues and grey with little embellishment, so many people assume she’s a boy based on her clothing.  A cashier the other day complimented her handsome hair.  She said it was beautiful, but she shouldn’t call it beautiful – so it was handsome.  I eventually corrected the gender assumption – cos hey – 50-50 chance at this age right?  But can someone please explain to me why a boy can’t have beautiful hair?

Making a hairdresser appointment I see their latest post on Facebook: “WooooHooooo its beach weather!!  Book in to get your kids haircut before heading to the beach this summer….shorter hair on boys will make sun-screening ears and necks so much easier and washing out sand a breeze & girls with a lovely trim will prevent sun damage to fragile ends and combing after swimming far less a struggle”.  Think I need to try for bonus points when I take the baby in for her fringe trim.

Then something more puzzling that genderist – a poster in a store: Bows make everything better.  Yeah there was a picture of a girl wearing a big hairbow but I didn’t take that as meaning the product was only for girls.  I just seriously do not understand how a bow does that.  Probably with far less calories than a cookie.. but still…?!?

Also – I don’t understand why department stores separate ‘boy’ and ‘girl’ clothes – surely if everyone walked past every item you’d make greater sales.  And there has to be a saving on printing if you drop the words boy and girl too right? 😛  I walk through both departments and more often than not buy from boys as its usually a more durable material and I prefer the colors and styles (why a girls tee needs gathering in the sleeves is beyond me).  Am off to  plan how I’ll explain to Riley that wanting rockets on your socks doesn’t make you a boy even if the socks are labelled boys…

So what gender labels did you encounter that just didn’t need to be there?

(cover image based on https://www.theodysseyonline.com/living-without-labels-gender-neutrality-and-sexual-fluidity)

The post (not) Labelling gender challenge appeared first on Miranda Mayle Photography.

So the family next to us had ordered happy meals and received two toys that had from my peripheral glance pink ballgown attired characters. The dad takes one from his son and asks a passing staff member (not politely mind you.. but again not central to the story) if they can swap for a boy toy.  Enter my ire part 1 – Did you ask your son what he preferred? No.  My ire part 2 – what makes this princess figure a girl toy or boy toy anyway?  It doesn’t need a gender label.

The staff member comes back and does the swap.  The father hands over the so labelled ‘boy toy’ with words to the effect “that’s better”.  My ire part 3 – wtf?  I’m so very distressed by the message you just sent both your son and daughter.

Why do labels matter?  Studies have shown just by labeling children boys and girls, whilst still treating each group with no favoritism or competition nor expressing any stereotypes, the children still formed stereotypes about the groups after only four weeks.  Both boys and girls were more likely to say only men can be doctors and only women can be nurturing and kind.  Four weeks! And its not even limited to gender – split the kids into red group and blue group and vast sweeping statements about each groups behaviour are formed ie. all blue kids act one way, leading to segregation and playing within only their group.  The control group in this study would wear the colored shirts but not be referred to as the color or sorted by the color – they were treated as individuals and in the control group the stereotypes and bias attitudes just didn’t form. (Reference: Parenting beyond pink and blue by Christia Spears Brown, PHD)

“There is absolutely no behavior that all boys or all girls do – not one.”
Christia Spears Brown

Please try and minimise gender segregation:  Ask your kid if he wants the princess or whatever the hell the other item was, ask for the other item by its content not your perceived bias on which gender wants to play with it and do not validate one gender as better or more appropriate than the other, especially in front of your child of the opposite gender.

If you need me I’ll be over here still muttering under my breath…

The post Do you have the boy toy? appeared first on Miranda Mayle Photography.

I have a theory that people go back for more kids to average out the cost per child. 😛  There is also a lot of marketing out there that’s sole purpose is to make you feel guilty if you’ve not purchased the best (read: expensive) and many, many items for your darling new arrival and it’s a crock!  I put the baby industry in the same bucket as the wedding industry with over-inflated pricing and heaps of hype to keep you paying just to keep up with the Jonses.

Let me come clean first: I’m a Marie Condo convert, budding minimalist and have de-cluttered my wardrobe and most of the house (as I’m definitely a believer that external clutter clutters my brain!)  I’m also an avid budgeter and planner (aka addicted to spreadsheets), and I like to think I’m thrifty where possible (although some things are worth investing in).  Obviously all babies are different and your lifestyle will differ to mine so adapt or ignore as you please.

I also call myself a hippie parent, which may mean you do some things differently to me and that’s fine.  I don’t want this text to spark a debate on parenting styles – this is what I believe and what works for me so as above – adapt or ignore as required.

Buyer’s remorse…

My biggest baby buying regret was getting things early.  And it hurts to type that, as I’m always proud of my research and preparedness skills and my Boy Scout style.  Plus the nesting instinct was strong in this one.  I had my Love to Dream swaddles sitting there ready to go in a range of sizes and weights for different weather conditions ready to swaddle baby Riley and so ensure our uninterrupted sleep and then Bam! Riley arrives and hates being swaddled…  so the first thing you do not have to buy for a new baby is:

You don’t have to buy one of everything in every style

Wait until you’ve found an item that works for you and then go out and buy a bazillion of them.  It took me a while to comprehend that life continues after the baby, and that you can shop after the baby arrives, (admittedly you now pack more stuff for even the shortest trip and are at the mercy of the mood of said new baby but there is this new fangled thang called the interwebz if exiting the abode is not an option).  From this lesson flows thing what I learnt the hard way number two:

Leave the tags on and keep the receipts

which is very hard when the nester in you demands you wash and fold all the new things and put them in the cupboard in size order (ignoring the tags, but comparing the physical sizes of items).

You don’t have to buy new

Think op shops, op shops and second hand places.  So much cute, so little cost.  Babies are small for such a short time, there is so little wear and tear on most baby clothes, they really are the perfect item for recycling.  If you pick the wrong size or season, tis not an issue if you didn’t spend a heap on them.  If you can, wait until after the baby shower to shop and do you don’t duplicate any gifts received (if you’re having one).  And you don’t have to limit yourself to clothes – prams, car seats, play mats, bath seats etc are all out there. It’s a buyer’s market on second hand baby gear with super low resale prices so grab those hand me downs from the cousins, checkout ebay and join the local facebook baby buy, swap and sell group.

You also don’t need…

…anything that has buttons or requires turning the baby over to get it on!

Go with zips or press studs.  Not many new babies are cheery about being dressed or undressed (the process, not the state).  You’re asleep, sleep deprived, its dark, the baby is crying and the suit needs an emergency change – just go the zip!

…hooded baby towels
You don’t actually need baby towels with hoods – any old towel will do.  Do invest in a packet of terry towel nappies, for burping, putting down under baby who may vom or drool at any time (meaning less sheet changes), using on change tables when you’re out and about etc. etc.  These are an essential.

…expensive cot blankets

Head to spotlight. Buy polar fleece. Cut to size. It doesn’t fray so no sewing required. I made so many (read: too many) cute patterned blankets on the cheap.

…baby food
About six months down the track check out baby led weaning.

…a bazillion skin care products
Babies can be pretty much cleaned with water.  Yes to nappy cream, anything else is optional.

…a fancy change table
we use a trestle table and a cardboard box.  Yes, it’s as cheap as it sounds!  You can check it out here.  We understand nappies are a temporary thing and having a dedicated piece of furniture wasn’t for us.  Adding a mat to chest of drawers or existing piece of furniture you own is a great option, if our shabby chic industrial look ain’t for you.

…a ginormous nappy bag
I’m going to be hated by trendy mum’s everywhere.  We use a regular sized Star Wars tote bag and a lot of the time it doesn’t leave the car.  In the early days I did have an emergency stash in both our cars which included a towel, change of clothes, spare nappies, bib, hat, sunscreen and dummy.  This means my mobile kit was just the wetbag containing a couple of nappies, wipes and cream, plus a muslin cloth for blanket slash change mat slash picnic rug slash shopping trolley liner and a small toy.  As she’s grown we’ve added her cup and a snack.  That’s it.  I can feel the glares.

And you might not need….

My other big f**, I mean stuff up involved where the baby would sleep… Riley’s resting place did not go to plan.  I fell in love with the Finnish baby box many moons ago.  The concept appealed as did the SIDS reduction statistics so I ordered one as soon as we’d passed the 12 week mark.  Although pricey, mine came filled with over 50 gorgeous baby essentials (some we have used a lot, others like the snowsuit that fit her in summer, we did not) and more importantly the box is where baby sleeps initially.  I was excited as it was easily moved around the house for naps or nighttime  and I busily sewed more mattress protectors and sheets for it.  Riley loved being in the clear plastic box in the hospital so I was optimistic about the box at home.  When I got her home however, I realized she loved the perspex box because she could see out of it, and putting her in the clean white cardboard box was worse than baby prison (aka a cot) and was more like baby mental asylum.  Suffice to say the two sleeps she had in the box cost me as much per night as a luxury hotel.  We found a great little co-sleeper with net sides that could sit in between us in bed that became her permanent home until her elbows touched the sides but when searching for the box replacement I stupidly purchase a bassinet sized baby prison because the maternal health nurse does an initial home visit and I wanted to keep up the appearance that we were following the western world baby rearing norm.  Again, a very high price for two naps and a maternal health nurse lookover.  It did however take the same size sheets I made for the box and was excellent storage for toys and crap you usually throw on the floor of the bedroom.  After doing my research on safe bedsharing practices and dropping the mummy guilt associated with it, Riley joined us in the king size bed with arms outstretched and smiles all around.  (I blogged here about our bed sharing.) We also never needed a baby monitor, cos y’know, proximity.

So you might not need a cot or a cardboard box. You definitely don’t need baby cutlery marketed at three month age intervals and yet I still have them in the drawer even though they are basically the same product! Sighs…  So what did you buy in preparation for your new baby but never used?

[dropcap type=”square”] M [/dropcap]iranda

The post What not to buy for your new baby appeared first on Miranda Mayle Photography.

Then don’t get me started on not allowing coloured hair and school staff or visitors having to cover up tattoos. I have blue hair and many of my friend have tattoos. It’s not the dye or ink that makes you a good or bad person. FFS. More role modelling behaviours and less policing appearances is required.

And banning cartwheels? If you think seeing a child’s underwear when they are actively playing is evil or somehow sexual it is you that needs to be removed, not the cartwheel.

I cannot fathom how far from common sense we have strayed. Although if I need further evidence I need look no further than my letter box… :(…

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The caveat: I’m no expert and do not know your personal circumstance – take any advice at your own risk.  I’m also not judging you – this is what I do and it works for me – would be great if you don’t judge me in return.  Happy for open communication and educating others, just don’t be a douche.

Forget the clock

Sleep deprivation is bad enough but knowing how little sleep you are actually getting makes it worse.  Feeding the baby at night and looking at the shiny digital clock display telling you you’ve been awake every am hour so far isn’t helpful.  Turn that clock around so you can’t see it.  Thinking about how it’s only been two hours since the last feed, or keeping track of how few hours of broken sleep you’ve had in a 24 hour period doesn’t help!   Thinking of scarcity increases it.  Instead roll with your baby’s natural rhythms and just accept you’re tired (yep, super-dooper-never-been-more-tired-in-my-life tired) but exactly how tired doesn’t matter…

Learn to feed laying down/Ditch the guilt

Okay so that kinda looks like two things there – I promise they are linked.  For me breastfeeding in bed was a game changer.  The nurses at the hospital taught me and I thought I’d never use it. Instead of having to get up, get baby, feed baby (and for me that’s sitting up with pillows supporting me, pillows supporting the baby, so get up, position pillows, position baby, re-position pillows, feed baby), potentially burp baby, resettle baby, resettle baby, resettle baby, try and fall asleep whilst thinking about how short a time it will be til baby wakes again.. night feeds became: roll over, attach baby, both fall back to sleep.  Yup.  Magic.

This does mean you are now officially bed sharing, not just co-sleeping (co-sleeping is having the baby sleep in the same room, usually on their own sleep surface).  In my world bed sharing isn’t common and comes with a heap of guilt regarding SIDS.  So I did my research.  Assessed the risks.  Spoke about them with my partner.  Enjoyed my new found super power: feeding baby and getting more sleep at night.  And then ditched the guilt.  Having a happy, content, sleeping baby in your armpit is pretty much perfection as you drift back to sleep.

A sneaky third point…

Read some literature and gets some realistic expectations on infant sleep.  Babies are not designed to sleep through, nor fall asleep by themselves.  Life becomes much easier when you accept your baby is normal and you are not alone in your ‘there is not enough coffee in the world’ zombie state.   Pinky McKay’s Why your newborn SHOULDN’T sleep all night article is a great place to start.

A couple of notes on safe sleeping practices…

No matter where your baby sleeps, SIDS and Kids have put Safe Sleeping guidelines for parents:

1. Sleep baby on the back from birth, not on the tummy or side
2. Sleep baby with head and face uncovered
3. Keep baby smoke free before birth and after
4. Provide a safe sleeping environment night and day
5. Sleep baby in their own safe sleeping place in the same room as an adult care-giver for the first six to twelve months
6. Breastfeed baby
(full info here)

To minimise risks when bed sharing, you’ll need a firm sleep surface, non smoking parents who are not under the influence of drugs or alcohol, a breastfed baby, no blankets or doonas etc near the baby’s head and more.  Check out safe co-sleeping guidelines here and for more detailed information of bed sharing risk statistics and reporting checkout this article at evolutionary parenting.

The post What I wish I knew on surviving baby sleep… appeared first on Miranda Mayle Photography.

I believe gender stereo types limit all genders

I believe gender/identity differs from sex/biology and its a spectrum, and you don’t get a choice

I believe marriage between two consenting adults will not unravel the space time continuum

I believe feminism is not a bad word, that men can be feminists and that equality doesn’t have to come at the expense of others

I believe in leading by example

I believe owning less does bring more joy

I believe one person can make a difference and from that ripples large transformation

I believe in climate change

I need to believe small changes matter like not using single-use plastics and up-cycling versus buying new

I need to believe there are more good one peoples in this word than evil

I believe the children are the future and we need to stop fucking up the world we’re leaving for them

What do you believe in?

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