We’re getting to the stage where things outside of our little family unit will influence Riley.  One day soon she’ll stop doing something that she loves because of a gender stereotype.  I don’t want her to stop wanting the rocket socks because they’re for boys or to start fishing for compliments on her appearance because that is all she is hearing (rather than praise for her courage, problem solving abilities etc) and so associates appearance with self worth.  There are no girl or boy colors or activities – there are just kids!

I need to take action!

Who’s with me?

And what can we do?

I want to start local but think the big chain stores ain’t a great place to start.  So how do I bring up with my local kids clothing store and op shops about sorting clothes by size and color versus gender? The new configuration won’t stop you from buying pink or blue, and you might even buy something you may not have seen within the default sorting.  Its not the boys collection or the girls spring/summer release – its just clothes!!  How do I strike up that conversation and not look like a crazed hippy mom?  Hit me up with all the suggestions!!  How do we make this a movement, inspire and educate?  How do we get an avalanche of support so there is pressure to change?  I want the coles plastic bag backflip scale!!  And what’s a good hashtag?

This will be a good primer activity before tackling school uniforms in a couple of years…

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but I’m not photogenic…

Photogenic: A subject (generally a person) is photogenic if appearing aesthetically or physically attractive or appealing in photographs. 

“But I’m not photogenic” you declare.

I call bulls**t!

This translates to ‘I’m not comfortable in my skin’ (and why are you judging your self worth on your appearance anyways?!?)

Not liking how you look in photos is very common.  I guess I’m just over people labeling themselves ‘unphotogenic’ rather than owning their feelings about their appearance.  There is obviously a big difference between a candid snap wearing pj’s on your phone in twilight versus a glamorous makeover with studio lighting and shape-wear for days, but the glow of self confidence that shines from within doesn’t dull.  Who defines this aesthetically appealing criteria anyways? Even an unflattering shot is a shot of you.  And you’re going to want to remember you doing the ordinary stuff not just looking perfectly un-posed, whilst posing insta-glamorous…

So exist in photos whether they be selfies or you get a professional to help minimise your photogenic angst…

Own you. Love you. Cos only you can do you.

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What happened to my plans for making nutritious food?  It was never going to be grass fed, organic, low carb, paleo, macrobiotic, pro-gut-flora, vegan homemade fare but it was definitely not going to be the snack size packets of pretzels!  Why are my good fine liners ruined and dried out?  Why does my carpet have whiteboard marker scribbles? And where did the Montessori methodology of a small number of toys in reachable baskets that were put away before the next came out go?  The house proud domestic goddess within has shut herself in a small room and dreams of a happier place where just traversing a room doesn’t involve chance encounters with bricks, balls, puzzle pieces, pencils, many magnets and potentially more than one toothbrush!  And what the hell happened to the no screen before two years of age rule?  So perfectly planned daily outings and activities don’t happen but more radio than TV would be a nice start… (she laments whilst typing with the toddler on her lap who is watching music videos on the other screen!?!)

I guess reality happened. And education happened.  Toddlers have so little control of their lives and so little control of their emotions you just have to empathise and pick your battles…   Step one is a quick check of the reason why I want a different outcome to her, and if its because of mess or expectations or something else non-life threatening, then step two is fall back to a default: ‘just say yes’.  Understanding that to her this isn’t about manipulation or power in a traditional sense she is just doing and learning all day. (Although why doing and learning all day involves so much mess or walking up and down the same set of stairs over and over is sometimes incomprehensible!)  This parenting gig is already so draining I can’t imagine fighting her every decision because it inconveniences me.  I also cannot imagine not respecting her enough to explain my decisions or not providing emotional support when she is upset irrespective of its cause.

To answer my own question I think I became ‘that mum’ when I became Riley’s mum.

I’ll finish with a poem I wrote on a bad day… and whilst she is plugged in, I might head over to google and look up a few new craft activities to replace some of that TV time…

My skin is dull, my hair goes grey,
My baby loves me anyway.
The wash piles up. The house? a mess!
Can’t remember my last decent rest…
There’s snot, there’s poop, there are tears and spew,
Thankfully joy and laughter too.
Some days last weeks – I’ve lost all of me,
You demand love and support constantly.
But you’re only small for a little time,
And the hand you reach for won’t always be mine.
You’ll wave goodbye as you walk away,
Not needing my entire day.
So I’ll remember to cherish hugs grime and all,
And ignore texta on carpets and bath water on walls.
I’ll reminisce about your inscenstent chatter,
Knowing the mess etc. just didn’t matter.

For more info on the definition of gentle/attachment/authoritive parenting check this out.  (And yes, I know buying that jar of sprinkles wasn’t very authoritative at all!)  And here’s a fun read from a mum trying authoritative parenting for a week.

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So I challenge you to replace the words girl and boy in your vocabulary for a day with kid, or child or a gender neutral equivalent.  For extra bonus points, listen for it in others and either a) rephrase in your head or b) have a discussion on the impact it may have. (And why do labels matter?  A little info in this blog post)

Over my day, here are a few of the things I noticed:

I started with our usual routine which includes walking the dog walk.  Stopped at the traffic lights and said “We’ve got to wait for the man to turn green”.  Hmm.. why is a man telling us what to do?  No I don’t want the signal indicator changed to a person wearing a dress… As you may or may not have noticed, girls also wear pants.  So I can just change my terminology: “We’ve got to wait for the signal to turn green” or “We’ve got to wait for the green person to say its safe to cross the road”. Mischief managed!

I’m researching a busy board to build for my toddler.  The google search returns an image of a board decorated with hazzard tape and the slogan “CAUTION: BOY AT PLAY”.  They’ve obviously never seen my house after tiny tornado Riley hits… *rolls eyes*

The baby owns a mix of clothes – all colors and styles.  More often than not its blues and grey with little embellishment, so many people assume she’s a boy based on her clothing.  A cashier the other day complimented her handsome hair.  She said it was beautiful, but she shouldn’t call it beautiful – so it was handsome.  I eventually corrected the gender assumption – cos hey – 50-50 chance at this age right?  But can someone please explain to me why a boy can’t have beautiful hair?

Making a hairdresser appointment I see their latest post on Facebook: “WooooHooooo its beach weather!!  Book in to get your kids haircut before heading to the beach this summer….shorter hair on boys will make sun-screening ears and necks so much easier and washing out sand a breeze & girls with a lovely trim will prevent sun damage to fragile ends and combing after swimming far less a struggle”.  Think I need to try for bonus points when I take the baby in for her fringe trim.

Then something more puzzling that genderist – a poster in a store: Bows make everything better.  Yeah there was a picture of a girl wearing a big hairbow but I didn’t take that as meaning the product was only for girls.  I just seriously do not understand how a bow does that.  Probably with far less calories than a cookie.. but still…?!?

Also – I don’t understand why department stores separate ‘boy’ and ‘girl’ clothes – surely if everyone walked past every item you’d make greater sales.  And there has to be a saving on printing if you drop the words boy and girl too right? 😛  I walk through both departments and more often than not buy from boys as its usually a more durable material and I prefer the colors and styles (why a girls tee needs gathering in the sleeves is beyond me).  Am off to  plan how I’ll explain to Riley that wanting rockets on your socks doesn’t make you a boy even if the socks are labelled boys…

So what gender labels did you encounter that just didn’t need to be there?

(cover image based on https://www.theodysseyonline.com/living-without-labels-gender-neutrality-and-sexual-fluidity)

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So the family next to us had ordered happy meals and received two toys that had from my peripheral glance pink ballgown attired characters. The dad takes one from his son and asks a passing staff member (not politely mind you.. but again not central to the story) if they can swap for a boy toy.  Enter my ire part 1 – Did you ask your son what he preferred? No.  My ire part 2 – what makes this princess figure a girl toy or boy toy anyway?  It doesn’t need a gender label.

The staff member comes back and does the swap.  The father hands over the so labelled ‘boy toy’ with words to the effect “that’s better”.  My ire part 3 – wtf?  I’m so very distressed by the message you just sent both your son and daughter.

Why do labels matter?  Studies have shown just by labeling children boys and girls, whilst still treating each group with no favoritism or competition nor expressing any stereotypes, the children still formed stereotypes about the groups after only four weeks.  Both boys and girls were more likely to say only men can be doctors and only women can be nurturing and kind.  Four weeks! And its not even limited to gender – split the kids into red group and blue group and vast sweeping statements about each groups behaviour are formed ie. all blue kids act one way, leading to segregation and playing within only their group.  The control group in this study would wear the colored shirts but not be referred to as the color or sorted by the color – they were treated as individuals and in the control group the stereotypes and bias attitudes just didn’t form. (Reference: Parenting beyond pink and blue by Christia Spears Brown, PHD)

“There is absolutely no behavior that all boys or all girls do – not one.”
Christia Spears Brown

Please try and minimise gender segregation:  Ask your kid if he wants the princess or whatever the hell the other item was, ask for the other item by its content not your perceived bias on which gender wants to play with it and do not validate one gender as better or more appropriate than the other, especially in front of your child of the opposite gender.

If you need me I’ll be over here still muttering under my breath…

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Some days I don’t love reality.  When you’re surviving on night naps not sleep.  When you’ve been pinched, scratched and bitten way more than you can handle.  When you’ve had to clean poop from the bath.  When you’ve worn out the ‘long days, short years’ mantra by saying it so many times it no longer holds meaning.  When exhausted, grumpy baby just won’t just surrender to a nap.  Y’know those days…   And even though you want a bit of escapism and to just zone out on social media – it makes everything so much worse.  Because you just end up comparing yourself to everyone else’s perfect life.

News flash – social media isn’t a documentary.  It isn’t an autobiography.  It isn’t even reality TV where there is some dramatisation to garner more viewers.  It’s contrived, curated, created to best highlight our perfect lives, meals, holidays, homes, hobbies…  And sometimes that hurts.  When you can’t see the floor for the toys and the washing; when you haven’t served a nutritious meal in the last 48 hours; when you haven’t left the house let alone contemplated a holiday, it can be really hard to celebrate other’s successes.

Let’s do something about it.  What if we all posted some reality occasionally? Challenged the social media colored glasses with some authenticity and vulnerability.  Surely that would contribute to actual social connectedness and real support?  I don’t think there should be shame or embarrassment in the imperfect.  And who gets to define perfect anyways?

I like to remind myself that there would be no good times if there weren’t bad times.  If there wasn’t a contrast, the highs wouldn’t be as high.  And you can’t live life to the fullest in emotional middle ground.  I also think it helps to have a stockpile of memories of the ‘better’ times.  A happy place you can go to to remind you of why the not so better times are worth it.  One of my go to’s when the baby seems inconsolable is to remember that historically she has always stopped crying.  And be present in those better moments – don’t zone out – maximise them.

There’s a heap of evidence now on how being grateful makes you happier.  Do take the time to list three things you’re grateful for every day.   When you wake up or before you go to bed or perhaps the best time to do that is when reality is hard.

I’m grateful I’ve only had to clean a poopy bath once.

And here is a proof that my Smiley Riley ain’t always all that:

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Then don’t get me started on not allowing coloured hair and school staff or visitors having to cover up tattoos. I have blue hair and many of my friend have tattoos. It’s not the dye or ink that makes you a good or bad person. FFS. More role modelling behaviours and less policing appearances is required.

And banning cartwheels? If you think seeing a child’s underwear when they are actively playing is evil or somehow sexual it is you that needs to be removed, not the cartwheel.

I cannot fathom how far from common sense we have strayed. Although if I need further evidence I need look no further than my letter box… :(…

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I believe gender stereo types limit all genders

I believe gender/identity differs from sex/biology and its a spectrum, and you don’t get a choice

I believe marriage between two consenting adults will not unravel the space time continuum

I believe feminism is not a bad word, that men can be feminists and that equality doesn’t have to come at the expense of others

I believe in leading by example

I believe owning less does bring more joy

I believe one person can make a difference and from that ripples large transformation

I believe in climate change

I need to believe small changes matter like not using single-use plastics and up-cycling versus buying new

I need to believe there are more good one peoples in this word than evil

I believe the children are the future and we need to stop fucking up the world we’re leaving for them

What do you believe in?

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