^^ True statement. I can’t remember the exact moment I stopped but I have roller derby to thank.
I grew up with my mum and sister, and I was the largest. I remember them both looking in mirrors exclaiming themselves to be too fat yet when I pointed out that I was larger, the reply was always ‘I didn’t mean you’. At the time it made no sense, if they were smaller than me and too large, then obviously I was too large and they did mean me. Now I understand how the reply was also true as the judgement we are happy to throw at ourselves is a bazillion times more scathing than how we view others.
I was always just going to lose that last five kilograms (or work on losing 10% of my body weight at a time, as that was a healthier aim). A number on a scale used to define me – I would be a better person somehow if that number diminished. I would be liked more if that number was smaller. I would be celebrated for reducing the number no matter how unhealthy it might be on my quest to do so. I was told I ‘held’ my weight well (aka, you don’t look as crap as you could when you weigh that much), somehow it was even good that I was faking the number?!
Enter roller derby.
I’ve always had chunky thighs but when they are toned and muscular they look so different. People say it all the time: muscle weighs more than fat. And its true! I was the same weight as I was at my heaviest but my measurements and body shape was totally different. Suddenly the number didn’t matter, how I felt and what I could do was more important. I stopped weighing myself. Those chunky thighs can propel me around the track at great speed, help me stay upright when I get a solid hit and allow me to send the opposition flying.
I’m proud of what my body can do. Its not perfect but its capable. I don’t weigh myself. Ever. I have no idea how much weight I gained during my pregnancy last year because the obstetrician let me stand on the scales backward so I didn’t see the number. At my last doctor appointment, she commented I’d lost weight and asked me if I wanted to know – I did not. I was not even a little bit curious. Not knowing, not wanting to know my weight- that’s liberating.
I don’t know how much I weigh. Its a good thing.
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